How I work with couples

I treat couples primarily using Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. But, what does that mean in the room?

It means that I help clients identify difficulties and struggles that they have and share it with their partner. Then, I help the partner to digest it and help identify what comes up inside of them. I help clients seperate their feelings from the things that are attached to them (or their solutions to the problem)-

“If you would just schedule more dates…” or

“If you would just come to me in a less angry way…”

Most people don’t know what is underneath, but it is generally something like-

“I want to feel like I matter to you, and I am scared that I don’t…” or

“I feel like you don’t value me, and I am scared about how you view me”

When people can help one another with what is underneath, usually everything gets easier. You can sort out who does what chore or whatever the issue is when everyone feels safe and secure in the relationship.

This also means that you can figure out how to navigate challenges together. Some problems don’t have solutions, so all we can do is be together in the truth of that. It can sound like a small thing, but it usually feels pretty big.

My goal is to help clients feel loved and accepted as they are in the relationship- not as they think they should be, how society tells them to be, or even how their partner sometimes wishes they were. And with that, you can do a lot.